After our class read Alfie Kohn’s Punished By Rewards which explored various parenting strategies within conditional parenting practices, I became fascinated by the contrast between conditional parenting and unconditional parenting. For my first self-directed learning project I read Kohn’s Unconditional Parenting which gave insight into the disparities between the two parenting philosophies. Still intrigued, I then read Elaine Mazlish and Adele Faber’s How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. Within unconditional parenting practices, this book focused on valuable ways to communicate and interact with children for mutual respect and understanding, while best supporting the child’s needs.
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| Unconditional Parenting |
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| How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk |
Conditional parenting is award related; if a child behaves in a way that their parent
approves of, this child will be rewarded for their actions. However, if behavior is deemed
inappropriate, the kid will be punished or parental love will be revoked--this is called
withholding love. Whatever the child’s behavior, action is taken to reward or punish
conduct, prompting this child to feel loved conditionally--valued when, and only when,
behavior is considered suitable.
withholding love. Whatever the child’s behavior, action is taken to reward or punish
conduct, prompting this child to feel loved conditionally--valued when, and only when,
behavior is considered suitable.
Conversely, unconditional love is just the opposite. Regardless of proper or improper
behavior, parents show their love all the same. A conversation about how to behave
accordingly next time might be in order, but the parent’s love is never rescinded. A
child of parents who practice unconditional love will feel they are valued for who they
are, as opposed to appreciated for each individual action.
Dispersed within the chapters of Mazlish and Faber’s professed “parenting bible” were
activities--spaces to reflect on and encourage the practice of skills learned. The authors
provided readers with first hand accounts of various dynamics between parent and child,
which supplied parents with relatable experiences that they might encounter with their
own children. Mazlish and Faber illustrate, occasionally through comic strips, how to
listen to children in ways that show them that you understand them. Readers learn how
to communicate with their children without exploding in a sudden fury or resorting to the
use of punishment. Navigating encouragement of the child’s autonomy is discussed, as
well as how to praise effectively. We learned in Punished By Rewards that certain forms
of praise can be categorized as loving conditionally, so Mazlish and Faber help parents
distinguish between the two and encourage the use of unconditional praise by describing
what they see in one or two words. The last parenting practice explored in full is how to
liberate children from their familial roles. Often times, children take on one specific,
negative role within the family and parents have a difficult time breaking this cycle. Finally,
readers learn how to piece all these parts together to help each parent figure out the
practices that will most benefit their own child.
One anecdote found in the first chapter resonated heavily with me, so I am going to
share it below. Chapter one is about listening and communicating with children so that
the child feels heard and understood; this story illustrates the extraordinary benefits
that come with finding particular skills that work well for certain children.
Todd is a three year old with cerebral palsy, and has difficulty with things that come
naturally to many other children. When he tries to do something and is unable to, he
becomes extremely frustrated and may scream for hours. His mother writes, “he thinks
that somehow his difficulties are all my fault, and that I should be able to do something
about it. He’s angry at me most of the time” (32). In her parenting workshop, Todd’s
mother learns that kids may feel relief when they draw their feelings, so she decides to
try the technique out with her son. At home, she finds Todd struggling to complete a
puzzle and knows a tantrum is about to begin. As her son begins to cry, she runs to
grab a paper and crayon and returns to sit on the floor with him:
“‘Todd, is this how angry you feel?’ And then I drew sharp zigzag lines up and
behavior, parents show their love all the same. A conversation about how to behave
accordingly next time might be in order, but the parent’s love is never rescinded. A
child of parents who practice unconditional love will feel they are valued for who they
are, as opposed to appreciated for each individual action.
Dispersed within the chapters of Mazlish and Faber’s professed “parenting bible” were
activities--spaces to reflect on and encourage the practice of skills learned. The authors
provided readers with first hand accounts of various dynamics between parent and child,
which supplied parents with relatable experiences that they might encounter with their
own children. Mazlish and Faber illustrate, occasionally through comic strips, how to
listen to children in ways that show them that you understand them. Readers learn how
to communicate with their children without exploding in a sudden fury or resorting to the
use of punishment. Navigating encouragement of the child’s autonomy is discussed, as
well as how to praise effectively. We learned in Punished By Rewards that certain forms
of praise can be categorized as loving conditionally, so Mazlish and Faber help parents
distinguish between the two and encourage the use of unconditional praise by describing
what they see in one or two words. The last parenting practice explored in full is how to
liberate children from their familial roles. Often times, children take on one specific,
negative role within the family and parents have a difficult time breaking this cycle. Finally,
readers learn how to piece all these parts together to help each parent figure out the
practices that will most benefit their own child.
One anecdote found in the first chapter resonated heavily with me, so I am going to
share it below. Chapter one is about listening and communicating with children so that
the child feels heard and understood; this story illustrates the extraordinary benefits
that come with finding particular skills that work well for certain children.
Todd is a three year old with cerebral palsy, and has difficulty with things that come
naturally to many other children. When he tries to do something and is unable to, he
becomes extremely frustrated and may scream for hours. His mother writes, “he thinks
that somehow his difficulties are all my fault, and that I should be able to do something
about it. He’s angry at me most of the time” (32). In her parenting workshop, Todd’s
mother learns that kids may feel relief when they draw their feelings, so she decides to
try the technique out with her son. At home, she finds Todd struggling to complete a
puzzle and knows a tantrum is about to begin. As her son begins to cry, she runs to
grab a paper and crayon and returns to sit on the floor with him:
“‘Todd, is this how angry you feel?’ And then I drew sharp zigzag lines up and
down, up and down.
“Yeah,” he said, and yanked the crayon out of my hand and made wild slashing
lines. Then he stabbed the paper over and over again until it was full of holes. I
held the paper up to the light and said, “You are so mad… You are absolutely
furious!” He grabbed the paper away from me and, crying the whole time, tore it
again and again until it was nothing more than a pile of shreds. When he was all
finished, he looked up at me and said, “I love you, Mommy.” It was the first time
he’d ever said that” (32).
The sheer frustration and pain that this three year old must experience on a daily basis
is enough to make any parent desperate for answers--desperate to find any way to ease
his agony. Though the practice of drawing feelings may not work every time or have the
same effect, there is joy in helping your child find comfort when they are struggling,
especially in times when you are not convinced solace can be found.
“Yeah,” he said, and yanked the crayon out of my hand and made wild slashing
lines. Then he stabbed the paper over and over again until it was full of holes. I
held the paper up to the light and said, “You are so mad… You are absolutely
furious!” He grabbed the paper away from me and, crying the whole time, tore it
again and again until it was nothing more than a pile of shreds. When he was all
finished, he looked up at me and said, “I love you, Mommy.” It was the first time
he’d ever said that” (32).
The sheer frustration and pain that this three year old must experience on a daily basis
is enough to make any parent desperate for answers--desperate to find any way to ease
his agony. Though the practice of drawing feelings may not work every time or have the
same effect, there is joy in helping your child find comfort when they are struggling,
especially in times when you are not convinced solace can be found.
I’m continually fascinated by what motivates different children; finding the approach
that works best with each child to support their drive and success is an unmatched
feeling. Though I knew some innate skills in working with children before reading Mazlish
and Faber, the vast amount of new practices I have learned will stay with me forever. I
will use these skill sets as I continue to work with children and enjoy experiencing
the diverse effects that each practice has on a particular child until finding the approach
that is most valuable for each unique child.
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